That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
we're making bets on your personal life
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
