my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
