I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
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