A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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