these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
