sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Two words: nipple clamps
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