then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
