Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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