Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
