I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
