i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
