You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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