I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
