she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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