she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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