True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Still dying that you shit outside
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
