video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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