why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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