i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
