Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Randomize
