The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
