I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
