I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I think your dad took our porno
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
