Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
