Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
