my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
