She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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