Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
