My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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