I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
