I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
