Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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