Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
