Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
