your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
