Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
