how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
