Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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