I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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