When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
