Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
