How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
