rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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