If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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