Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
