I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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