hell yes lets make some ravioli
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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