Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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