Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
