i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
