brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
