I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she told me i tasted like america
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
