I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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