my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
