the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
