I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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