apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
