Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
