There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
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On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
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But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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