hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
