there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
